One Month Challenge

I’ve been waiting to hear back from a Christian based organization for a few months as to wether or not I will be accepted into a recovery program for women with broken lives. I’m not sure yet if it’s the right place for me because I will be the only crazy one there. Most of the girls will be unwed mothers or girls struggling with addiction. Although I feel compassion for those women, I’m worried that I will be the odd woman out and at the end of the program they will throw their hands up in the air and say, “Well, sorry, we tried…” And then I will just be six months older and still unemployed in Greenland. I figure this is a big choice to make because it could take up about 20% of my remaining fertile years and that would be quite a sacrifice to make if it’s all for not.

I’m not pining to be a desperate house wife any time soon, but now that I’m 30, time isn’t as much on my side as I thought it would be when I was in my 20’s. As a matter of fact, neither is my metabolism. I will confess to you that I’ve had a boarder line eating disorder for most of my life. I have body dismorphia , which means my concept of what I look like is a little off from what is actually there when I look in the mirror. Example, someone might see a normal girl with a few extra pounds to lose, and I , myself, looking at the same image would see something completely different, like Jessica Simpson post pregnancy.

My eating disorder goes between binge eating and starving myself to make up for it. I’m not proud of this, in fact I’m very secretive about it. Never before have I had an outlet to even address it as an issue, but now that I’m under the microscope, I might as well be as honest as possible about how messed up I am.

Depression and binge eating seem to go together, that’s why you always bring ice cream to a girl when she goes through a break up, and why single women are always “treating themselves” to dinner and desert on a girls night out.

Well if you add crazy to binge eating then you end up like Goldie Hawn in that movie “Death Becomes Her” before she gets sent to the mental hospital, and the land lord is pounding on her apartment door while she obsessively watches Merryl Streep getting killed in a movie, while she stuffs her face and her cats are living off the land among the scraps of food left behind. This is before she finds the magic fountain of youth potion of course. One of my favorite movies of all time if you get a chance to see it.

However, that movie is not the movie you want to have in the back of your mind while you are living in your grandmas house, and stuffing your face during a two week long Lost marathon, while you’re waiting on a call that says “God told us you can come here to get help”.

The waiting process has been difficult for me, and I feel like God’s little wallflower, just waiting around on the side lines hoping to get a chance to dance. I’ve danced a little bit lately, but it’s been more like one of those old gangster movies, or an old western, where the devil’s got a shot gun pointed at my feet and maniacally laughs while shooting at the floor and saying “Dance for me, Dance!”

So I’m taking matters into my own hands before they cast the remake of “Death becomes Her” and need a body double for the apartment scene. I woke up this morning with the desire to work out. I’m really out of shape and I’ve been eating nothing but crap so I’m sure I will get winded very easily. But since the catty maid refuses to cook for me, I have an opportunity to go buy some great food to support my decision to get healthy.

I was about to go for a jog around the neighborhood, and as I checked in with my grandma, she had the same idea. Miraculously she drove me to the local rec center and bought me a one month unlimited pass! I can take classes, I can swim, run, use the machines….I’m ecstatic! Thank you grandma! You rule! I can even walk there, it’s so close.

So I guess I’m on a new medication, and its called excersizing! It’s amazing how much better I felt about myself when I got off the elliptical today. I’m taking the one month depression blasting, fat melting challenge. So far it got me out of bed, with deodorant on, plucked eye brows, and a clean face. Goldie Hawn would be proud. I’m going to see just how much I can get out of this month, and how much better I will feel afterwards. Now give me some workout tunes to download so I can get my heart pumping! Nothing too heavy, remember I’m paranoid…maybe some daft punk? I don’t know, I’ll figure it out and keep you posted!

Namaste,
Monica